


The Last Laugh

by Selenity84



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, One Shot, mild bashing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 07:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20254711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenity84/pseuds/Selenity84
Summary: What if Rumple had his cell phone on him when Belle banished him from Storybrooke? Who would he call?





	The Last Laugh

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own Once Upon A Time, if I did none of this bull shit would've happened. This is just an idea, one I'm surprised I hadn't seen anyone think of before and a way to vent. This is not Rumple/Belle! I love them to pieces but I just wanted to try this. Don't hate me!

Rumplestiltskin has had enough. 

Enough of all the hero's self-righteous attitude, enough of Captain Hook, enough of being blackmailed or forced into helping, and enough of his soon-to-be ex wife.

It's been an hour since his beloved wife had banished him from Storybrooke. He never thought it would come to this. She didn't even want to listen to a word he had to say, just banished him with his own dagger with nothing but the clothes on his back, not even a bloody cane to walk with! 

Belle always did want to be a hero just like in her precious books. She probably thought she could change Rumple to be her knight in shinning armor or prince, and that's probably the only reason she married him. He could now see she will never accept him as he is or love him. It was a fool's hope.

Once upon a time she did, before Regina and the hero's got their claws into her. But that time has come and gone, the Belle he once loved was no more. She was gone and has become a stranger to him, he no longer recognized the woman she had become. She even possessed his ultimate power and his weakness, his dagger.  
Belle had complete control over him with it now. 

'Just like Zelena did,' Rumple thought bitterly stuffing his hands in his pants pocket, sitting against a tree.

He didn't even know why he was still hanging around the edges of town. He had hoped that Belle would realize what she was doing and come back, maybe after cooling off. An hour of waiting and he didn't see that happening. He should start making plans on where to go from here.

He felt something hit his hand when he stuffed it his pants pocket and curious, he pulled the object out to see what it was. He stared in stupefied shock to find that it was his cell phone. He thought he had left it behind.

Correction, he had nothing left but the clothes on his back and his cell phone. 

'Maybe I should call Belle?' he thought fleetingly before sighing. 

What was the point? She would more then likely not even pick up her cell phone if he were to call her. She hated him by now and was firmly on the hero's side. 

"So much for true love" he muttered bitterly. "Villains never get happy endings." He knew that to be true now. He was cursed.

Rumple opened his cell phone and went through his contacts to see if there was anyone he could call for help. His grandson Henry was out. The hero's had taken his son, the only connection he had left to his boy, his grandson, and now they've taken Belle from him as well. He had no one left who would help him. He was on his own.

Or so he thought...

He blinked when he came across a contact number he hadn't even thought about. One he had almost forgotten about in fact. He grinned.

Perfect!

Rumple eagerly hit the number and held the cell phone up to his ear as it rang. The person on the other end picked up.

"Boss?" 

"Hello Dove, I have a job for you." he almost purred. 

Dove his henchmen, loyal to him alone.

"You want me to get the dagger away from Lady Belle?" Dove asked.

Rumple growled. "Belle will soon no longer be my wife, she picked her side. I plan on getting a divorce from her once I get settled into a new living place far away from Storybrooke, Maine."

Dove frowned. "You don't plan on coming back? I can always use the dagger to invite you back in once I can get it away from Miss French, and then give you back your dagger." 

Rumple hadn't thought of that. It was clever though. He knew that Dove would never use the dagger against him. He didn't have to worry about Dove betraying him. No one would know that he never left Storybrooke. They would think he was long gone and not look for him. A simple glamour could hide who he was to prevent anyone from spotting him while he packed up to leave.

He can make plans in secret to move his entire fortune away to where ever he plans to move too. Maybe Scotland, as well as change his identity. He had been wanting to get away from Strorybrooke for awhile now and all of its damn drama that continues to drag him down with it but Belle hadn't wanted to move. She wanted to stay and help the hero's. It was in her nature to want to help. Well now that she was gone he could finally get away from this bloody town and away from Belle.

Also if he moved away from this place maybe it could silence his curse? When he was in New York searching for his son he could barely even feel his curse. Hardly a whisper. It won't have a chance to eat away at his heart any more if there's no magic around to feed it like in Storybrooke if he stayed here. He could live without worrying about the Dark One taking over him or getting loose. Sure he wouldn't have his magic but he would have a fresh start, some where no one will know who he is. 

He could start over.

He nodded and started making plans.

"Yes do that," Rumple informed Dove. "Do you know if anything is happening around town right now? Has news broken out yet about me being banished?" 

Dove was a bit hesitate to reply, knowing how much this would anger his boss. "Yes they know. I'm sorry Boss, Miss French informed everyone about your banishment and they're making plans to celebrate your defeat at Granny's. Everyone in town is thrilled that you're gone."

Rage filled him at that. Any doubts he may have had about leaving was now put to rest at that.

"I see," he said coldly. "And Belle?"

Dove almost pitied his boss. "She's relieved you're gone, everyone is welcoming her with open arms now. She's the hero of the hour for getting rid of the big bad boogeyman."

"Is she now?" Rumple's voice was like ice. 

His heart was filled with so much hurt and anger. No one wanted him around? Then fine he'd leave and not come back. He wondered how long it would take the hero's to realize just how much they had come to rely on him whenever something magical comes up and they need his help to deal with it. He smirked at the thought. They would have no one to turn too for help then.

"Listen closely, here's what we're going to do. While everyone is busy partying, I want you to find the dagger and bring it to me. Now is the time to get it back, while everyone is distracted. Replace it with a fake so that no one will know it's gone missing..."

Rumplestiltskin made plans with Dove- first and foremost he needed to get his dagger away from Belle. She'll never be able to control him with it again. No one would again once he was well away from this cursed town.

"Got it and I'm sorry how this ended up boss." Dove said. "I'll find the dagger and get it to you. Where are you currently?"

"At the town line, I'll be waiting for you there. Don't disappoint me, I'm counting on you." Rumple said and he meant it, he had no one else to help him now.

He hung up his cell phone and settled down to wait at the town line- he had hope now when before he had none. 

-

In the end it didn't take very long for Dove to find out where Belle had his dagger, for being so book-smart she wasn't being very smart with it at all. She was carrying it around with her in her purse where she should've hid it somewhere safe as soon as she had banished the Dark One. Maybe she hadn't had the time to hide it properly yet but it didn't matter. It would be easier for Dove to make a grab for it when no one was suspecting it. He had gone to the pawn shop and found a spare dagger in the vault where Rumple told him it would be. He would replace the real dagger with the fake one.

Dove settled at the bar with a drink, acting like he was joining in with all the others that was there celebrating. Granny's was packed tonight and everyone was in high spirits. He spotted Belle with some of the hero's, drinking with everyone else. It was how he found out where the dagger currently was. They were getting drunker and drunker as the evening went on the more they drank. And louder. No one noticed him there listening in to the conversation, he had been hoping to ease drop on them and see if he can learn of the dagger's location. 

He did.

"Now are you sure that the dagger is safe love?" The pirate was asking Belle.

Belle nodded and patted her purse. "Yes, it's safe with me. I'm going to be hiding it somewhere where no one will be able to get it."

"Perhaps you should give the dagger to me," Regina told her. "I can put it in my vault where it'll be safe."

She shook her head. "No I'm going to be the one to hide it. I want the relief knowing that Rumple will never be able to get his hands on it again."

Hook snorted at that. "It's ironic that the Crocodile's own wife did him in like this. He's not had good luck with wives it seems." He was amused at that. First Milah had left him and now Belle. Finally the Crocodile was getting what he deserved.

"Doesn't matter now does it?" Emma shrugged by his side. "Gold's gone, we no longer have to deal with the smug bastard any more."

"That's right. And we have a way to control him now if he ever does manage to come back." Snow White added.

"Hear Hear!" went around the diner as people raised their mugs to salute to that.

Dove was left fuming at that. He may have to think about leaving town as well, he couldn't stomach these hero's. They had no trouble with forcing someone against their will it seems- even it was a villain- if it benefited them. That was not how hero's behaved. 

He waited for an golden opportunity to strike and it came soon enough. He glared at Belle as she flirted with Will Scarlet. Not even a day had passed. It could be because of the amount of alcohol she had consumed that made her do it and not able to think properly. He didn't care. What he did care about was that she had left her purse unintended to. No one else was paying any attention to it either, it was just sitting there on the floor. With the Dark One's dagger inside. Where anyone could just snatch it up.

Like him.

'Now's my chance,' he thought while everyone was being merry and drunk. 

Making sure that no one was watching he got up from the bar and made his way over to where the unintended purse was. He snatched it up quickly from the floor, took out the dagger he had hidden in his coat, and then switched it with the real one. He knew that it was the real dagger because while the one he had before didn't have an ounce of power, the real dagger was brimming with power. 

He took a look around the diner in disgust one last time before he made his exit. He had what he came for. It was a good thing too, it would've taken him forever to find the real dagger if he had waited for it to be hidden. The hero's would be in for a nasty surprise if they ever tried to summon Rumplestiltskin with the dagger. Belle wouldn't be able to tell it wasn't the real dagger either. She wasn't able to sense magic so she would assume it's the real deal. 

He smirked, it was time to meet up with the boss, but first he had a trip to make to his boss's home. He was glad he had a key to the house just in case.

-

Rumplestiltskin was getting worried as he looked at his watch. It's been hours, what was taking Dove so long? He hoped his henchmen hadn't gotten found out. He wouldn't know what to do if he did. He had no money, no transportation, he couldn't even walk! He was just lucky it wasn't raining right now to add to his misery.

He heard the sound of an engine and looked up, seeing a car light in the distance from across the town line. Soon a black Cadillac came up to meet him. He blinked, he was not expecting to see his car. 

Dove got out of the car soon after, smirking at the surprise look on his boss. "I thought you might want your car back, as well as this." He reached into the passengers seat and took out a familiar cane. 

Rumple was relieved upon seeing his cane. At least he wouldn't have to wobble or use a walking stick to walk with..

"Did you find the dagger?" he asked as he balanced himself on his cane.

Dove answered by pulling the dagger out of his jacket pocket grinning. "Got it right here boss."

Rumple grinned seeing his dagger. He knew it was the real dagger, he could feel a slight pull from it from where he was. "And no one saw you take it?"

"None, they were too busy getting drunk to notice. Miss French had it in her purse." Dove didn't think it was worth mentioning to him about what he saw from his boss's wife. There was no point. 

"Good, now use it to over ride Belle's banishment. Only the holder of the dagger can welcome me back in." Rumple said.

Dove nodded as he held his dagger. "I welcome Rumplestlitskin back into Storybrooke and disregard any previous orders given to him."

There was a blue ripple of light that ran across the town wards and Rumple could feel himself being welcomed back. Belle's orders no longer kept him from entering into town. With delight he stepped back into Storybrooke again.

"Welcome back boss," Dove told him as he handed his dagger over to Rumple. 

The tight control the dagger had over him from being in Dove's control loosened and Rumple felt relief as control was given back to him. He was free. He grabbed his dagger back and swore to himself that he was never going to let any one control him again. 

"Thank you Dove," Rumple said putting his dagger away. "Now I need your help. I may be able to come back into Storybrooke again but I'm done with this town. This town is run by hypocrite's."

"Where will you go?" Dove asked as he followed Rumple on the other side of the passenger seat as Rumple got into the drivers side.

"I was thinking Scotland sounded nice, it's the supposed birth place of Mr. Gold." Rumple snorted at that. "And thanks to dear Regina I'd be able to get another job, perhaps become a good lawyer instead of a pawn broker. I'll have to change my identity but that shouldn't be too difficult."

Rumple drove his car back into town, putting a glamour on the car to turn it silver. He didn't want anyone seeing someone driving Mr. Gold's car. He placed a glamour on himself as well and decided to camp out at his cabin while he was hiding out and packing. 

With Dove's help he'd be able to get what he needed done quietly and without notice. He magically shut everything up that belonged to him where no one would be able to enter into his properties- his pink house, his cabin, the pawnshop, or even the apartments above the library that he owned. Not even Henry would be able to enter those places with blood magic and no one knew how Gold had done it. 

Belle would hide the dagger the next day after getting over her hang over, never noticing that it wasn't the real dagger. 

No one would notice anything wrong with it until they decided to summon Rumplestiltskin to them to force him to help them when three new villains showed up for revenge. They would realize too late that it wasn't the real dagger, not know where the real dagger was, and would panic. While they battled with Ursula, Maleficent and Cruella de Vil, they wondered why Rumplestiltskin hadn't shown up with them. 

Belle would never see her estranged husband again and would be forced to sign divorce papers that Dove handed to her a month after she had banished her husband. She was no longer Mrs.Gold and had to find another place to live in that wasn't owned by Mr.Gold. She couldn't take over Gold's pawn shop either like she had planned to do and had to find another job. She ended up having to work with her father at his flower shop while she cursed her ex-husband. He had left her with nothing as she had once done to him. 

The people of Storybrooke would never see Rumplestiltskin again as he had found some way to block them from finding him. He even took the blood globe that Cora had given him with him when he had left so they couldn't find him that way as well. They got their wish to never have to deal with Mr.Gold again. 

-

Meanwhile in Scotland Rumple looked around at his new home, a very nice and expensive looking apartment in Glasgow. He was now going by Robert Carlyle (real original I know lol), Mr.Gold no longer existed. He moved his entire fortune in Storybrooke to his new home as well as anything else that was important to him, with Dove's help.  
He quite liked how his lot in life had turned up. He'll even be taking classes into becoming a real lawyer. 

"I was wrong," the man who was once Rumplestiltskin said smiling. "Villains can get happy endings after all."

END

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Please don't kill me, as I said I happen to love Rumbelle. And the whole thing with Belle/Will, how long did it take for her to get over Rumple and start making out with Will in canon? Not long.
> 
> Seriously why didn't he call Dove after being banished?? I got the impression that he was a loyal henchmen to him from season one.


End file.
